By: Lyla Stidham
When it comes to helping children through their grief, it can be hard to know what to say. With different levels of understanding, coping skills, and emotional intelligence, a child’s grief process can and will look much different from others. Here, we will learn how our words impact their process, what can be helpful and what can be harmful, and how best to support them through this difficult process.
If you’re looking for a more in-depth guide, you can also read our comprehensive pillar post, Supporting Children Through Loss, which offers age-specific guidance and tools for parents, caregivers, and communities.
Why Words Matter in a Child’s Grief
When a child encounters death for the first time, they rely on the adults around them to make sense of what it means. Kids don’t have other experiences to draw from, so it’s important to be clear about what death is, what it means, and how their life will be affected. Without direct, age-appropriate language, a child might misunderstand death as something temporary or reversible.
Children also need reassurance that the loss is not their fault, that it wasn’t a choice, and that the death of a loved one does not mean they are any less loved. Giving kids words for feelings they may be experiencing for the first time is crucial in the healing process. Having language to express themselves gives children a healthy way of coping with loss.
Common Mistakes Adults Make
Some common mistakes adults make when talking to children about death include using vague or metaphorical language, leaving room for interpretation, and hiding their own emotions.
Expressions like “passed away” or “went to sleep” can create confusion and even fear, making the topic feel taboo. Clear language - saying “they died” - helps create a safe space for honest conversation.
Similarly, hiding your emotions in an attempt to appear strong can make children think that expressing feelings is unsafe or unwelcome. Naming feelings like sadness, fear, or anger in yourself shows children that it’s okay to have big emotions and that grief is something we experience together.
Phrases That Hurt vs. Help
The most important thing when supporting a grieving child is allowing them to feel what they feel without judgment - even if their grief looks different than expected. Some kids may seem unaffected at first, while others may express their grief through play, questions, or changes in behavior.
Questions like “Aren’t you sad?” or “Do you understand what this means?” can make a child feel judged or pressured to respond a certain way. Comments like “Life goes on” or “It could be worse” can unintentionally rush their grieving process.
Helpful alternatives sound like:
- “Take the time you need.”
- “There’s no right or wrong way to feel.”
- “How are you feeling today?”
- “How would you like to say goodbye?”
Open-ended questions help build trust and give kids the opportunity to share at their own pace. Sharing simple memories -“This was her favorite food,” or “He was so good at cards” - can also give children permission to talk about their loved one when they’re ready.
Books and videos can be powerful tools, too. In the children’s book What Does Grief Feel Like?, child life specialist and grief counselor Dr. Korie Leigh explores the many shapes grief can take, offers conversation starters, and provides adults with language for talking about death and dying. This book and other supportive items for bereaved kids can be found in the Feelings First Aid Kit on our website, or you can browse our complete collection of Kids Care Packages.
Scripts for talking to children
Every conversation about loss is unique, but having a place to start can make things a little easier. These scripts can be adapted to fit your child’s age and situation.
Script 1
“Hi honey, there’s something important I need to talk to you about. Your grandpa has been really sick and today he died. This means that his body has stopped working, and he can’t be here anymore. He didn’t choose to, and he still loves you very much. I know he was very important to you and it’s okay to be sad or confused or mad. There is no right way to feel right now.
Script 2
Me and grandma might be sad too, but it’s not at you. In the next few days, some new things are going to happen. There is going to be a funeral. A funeral is when all the people in someone’s life come to one place to say goodbye after they’ve died. You only have to come if you want to. If you want to say goodbye to grandpa in a different way, that’s okay too.
Script 3
We are also going to pack up some of grandpa’s things. If there is anything that feels special to you, tell me and you can keep it. I know this is a lot of stuff. Do you want a hug?”
Script 4
“I know we had a sad conversation yesterday, and I wanted to check in with you. How are you feeling? Do you have any questions I can answer?”
Grief is complicated and these conversations can be hard, but with kindness, understanding, and love, bereaved kids can grieve in their own way and heal from their loss.
About the author
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Lyla Stidham |
