Supporting Children Through Loss: A Comprehensive Guide for Parents, Caregivers, and Communities
By: Aurora Sandoval
Grief is something that everyone will experience at some point in life. Whether it’s losing a pet, a loved one, or navigating another major change, grief can feel heavy and confusing. For children, these emotions can be especially overwhelming - and for the adults supporting them, it may feel scary or uncertain too.
But it doesn’t have to be. Children can navigate grief in healthy ways with support, honesty, and routine.
It’s important to remember that while all children grieve, how they grieve depends greatly on their age and developmental level. VITAS Healthcare explains that each child’s response is unique, but age and development play a major role in shaping how grief is understood and expressed.
This guide is designed to give parents, caregivers, and communities a clear, compassionate framework to understand children’s grief, support emotional expression, maintain stability, and know when to seek additional help.
How Children Understand Grief at Different Ages
Children don’t experience grief the same way adults do - their understanding changes as their brain develops. Before we dive into each age group in more detail, here’s a quick overview that summarizes how children understand grief at different stages and what support they need most
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Age Group |
How They Understand Death |
Common Behaviors / Signs of Grief |
How to Support Them |
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Infants & Toddlers (0–3 years) |
Do not understand death or notice absence |
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Preschoolers (3–5 years) |
See death as temporary or reversible |
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Elementary (5–11 years) |
Understand death is permanent |
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Middle School (11–13 years) |
Understand death but overwhelmed emotionally |
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Teens (13–18 years) |
Understand death like adults |
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Now let’s take a deeper look at each age group with examples, emotional patterns, and actionable ways to support kids at that stage.
Infants and Toddlers (0–3)
The website Eluna explains that children in this age range do not understand the permanence of death. Up to age 3, children often believe all objects are alive, so their understanding of loss is based on absence rather than death itself.
They may express grief through:
- Increased clinginess
- Changes in sleep or appetite
- Seeming “zoned out” or dazed
- Irritability or fussiness
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Regressions (e.g., wanting a bottle again, difficulty separating)
Infants and toddlers benefit most from:
- Extra comfort and physical closeness
- Predictable routines
- Calm, simple explanations
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Gentle reassurance that they are safe
Preschoolers (3–5)
The University of Rochester Medical Center (UR Medicine) explains that preschoolers often see death as temporary or reversible. They may expect the person to “come back,” which can lead to confusion.
UR Medicine recommends:
- Keeping routines as normal as possible
- Meeting the child’s needs gently and promptly
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Using very clear, direct language
Saying “Grandpa went to a better place” can be confusing. Instead, simple, truthful language such as “Grandpa died” helps avoid misunderstandings.
Preschoolers may also show magical thinking (“If I am good, they will come back”), so adults may need to reassure them repeatedly that the death is not their fault.
Elementary School Children (5–11)
This age group begins to understand that death is permanent but may still struggle to make sense of it emotionally. They often express grief through behavior rather than words.
Common signs include:
- Questions about the details of death
- Acting out or withdrawing
- Difficulty concentrating at school
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Physical complaints like stomachaches or headaches
Worry about the safety of other loved ones
Children this age often benefit from:
- Honest conversations
- Opportunities to express feelings through play, drawing, or journaling
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Involvement in memorial rituals (if they choose)
Middle School Children (11–13)
Preteens understand death intellectually but may feel overwhelmed by the emotional reality of it. They are highly sensitive to peer opinions and may try to hide their feelings.
They may:
- Experience mood swings
- Become angry or defiant
- Worry about being different
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Feel embarrassed about crying
Have trouble focusing at school
At this stage, gentle check-ins, privacy, and outlets like art or sports can help them cope.
Teens (13–18)
Teenagers understand death much like adults do. However, their grief may be complicated by identity development, independence, and big emotions.
They may:
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Seek space and isolation
Feel misunderstood - Question their beliefs
- Struggle with guilt or anger
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Engage in risky behaviors
Teens often respond well to:
- Respectful conversations
- Being included in choices around rituals
- Trust from adults
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Access to peers, mentors, or counselors
How Grief Shows Up Emotionally and Behaviorally in Children
A theory published in the Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma identifies three major grief reactions:
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Separation distress - intense sadness or anxiety when away from the deceased or caregivers
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Existential/identity distress - questioning meaning, identity, or why the loss happened
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Circumstance-related distress - strong reactions to reminders of the person or situation
Children of all ages may show grief through:
- Changes in behavior
- Withdrawal
- Big emotions (anger, sadness, fear)
- Physical complaints
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Regression
The Child Mind Institute emphasizes that “It’s good for kids to express whatever emotions they are feeling.” Expression is healthy, and adults can model this by expressing their own emotions honestly and calmly.
Our blog Navigating Grief: A Developmental Perspective on Children's Coping is a good resource detailing how children express and process grief, and what strategies you can use to help them cope.
Practical Ways to Support a Grieving Child
Children need stability, honesty, and connection. Here are some supportive strategies recommended by experts:
Maintain Routines Whenever Possible
Routine creates predictability, which reduces anxiety.
A New Start Counseling Service recommends “carefully reintroducing routine” after a loss - not rushing, but gently guiding children back into familiar rhythms.
Routine doesn’t erase pain, but it provides:
- Safety
- Structure
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Social connection
If school or daycare feels overwhelming, consider a:
- Soft start
- Shortened day
- Comfort object
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Regular check-ins with a trusted teacher
Good Grief has a selection of children’s care packages which include comfort items and calming tools that can help ease transitions during this time.
Encourage Creative Expression
The Child Mind Institute recommends:
- Reading books about grief together
- Drawing or coloring feelings
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Making a scrapbook of the person who died
Books like The Memory Tree and What Does Grief Feel Like? help children understand complex emotions. Both are available to buy on the Good Grief website, along with many other children’s books on grief.
Use Clear, Compassionate Language
Today’s Parent notes that children have big imaginations - and avoiding the truth can create more fear.
Tips:
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Use simple, direct wording: “Nana died yesterday.”
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Avoid euphemisms like “passed away,” “we lost him,” or “went to sleep.”
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Ask open-ended questions: “What do you think about Uncle’s death?”
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Give children time to process their feelings
It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers - what matters most is being present and truthful.
Support Yourself, Too
Children learn how to cope by watching the adults around them. Caring for your own grief isn’t selfish - it teaches children that emotions are natural and manageable.
If you’re grieving, allow yourself rest, expression, and support. This models healthy coping and helps create emotional safety for your child.
When to Seek Additional Help
If your child is struggling more than expected, consider reaching out to:
- A child therapist
- A grief counselor
- School support staff
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Local grief groups
You can also create a customized care package for your child using our Create Your Own Care Package tool.
Final Thoughts
Children can heal from grief - and with honest communication, consistency, and connection, they don’t have to walk that journey alone. The most important tools are patience, presence, and compassion from the adults they trust.
If you’d like additional resources or tools for supporting a grieving child, our curated children’s care packages and grief books are designed to bring comfort and understanding in gentle, age-appropriate ways.
About the author
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Aurora Sandoval is a 17 year old freelance writer, who loves spending time with her dog and family. |